Struggling with Love

I find myself again struggling with an area of disobedience to God. In His presence obedience was my passion, my heart wanted nothing more than to do His will. Pledging my absolute obedience to Him, I was sure this time will be different. Yet, here I am again. He is gracious, merciful, and loving. My mind starts reeling with ideas of how to do better, be better, even before I approach the throne to confess what He already knows. Perhaps, I think that if I have already produced an action plan, He will be impressed; not likely. I try to mask the repetitive nature of my offense by giving it different names, perhaps the circumstances call for a new case. No, the Spirit sweetly reminds me that we have been here before. My ideas for change fall flat before His infinite wisdom. What am I to do? I feel Him soothe my struggling heart, "It is not about your doing." "It is and always has been about your surrendering, give-up the fight and let Me win for you." His words sink deep into my soul, releasing me. I remember again this is the good news. Knowing God and following Him is not a matter of being strong enough, smart enough, or big enough. It is about surrender. The greater the surrender the more He can work. He is the Author and Finisher of our faith. Obedience is an automatic response to Love we do not struggle with obedience we struggle with love. Lord, take us deeper in Your Love. Help us never to run from you, but to continually grow in Love. Amen.

It started with a simple prayer: "Lord, free me of everything that separates me from You." God took that simple prayer and began to peel off layer of shame, fear, guilt, and sin in my life. Things I believed to be just part of the human experience, God showed for the deception that they were. It was like He was cleaning out my refrigerator. He would reach inside and pull out a smelly container carefully tucked in the corner on the top shelf. Open it and reveal it for the smelly mess that it was, then ask me to allow Him to throw it into the abyss. Often it was painful to see and smell the junk that I had allowed in my life. I would look away and pretend not to see it. Perhaps, throw some baking soda on it to mask the smell. He was persistent and thorough. Greed, unforgiveness, pride, envy, gluttony, nothing was sacred but Him. I began to get excited as I would see the nasty containers of fear, guilt, shame, habits, and addictions being paraded in front of me. Shocked at how much junk was filling the space between Him and me, and happy to know that I was being rid of them. Sometimes, He would ask me to throw out something I was not done with yet. Often unforgiveness was the rotting bowl I tried to cling to. He would give me glimpses into the freedom possible and again I would repeat the prayer: "Lord, free me of everything that separates me from You." Years later, He is still cleaning out the same fridge. I have done some grocery shopping and bought some rotten things since. He is faithful, continuing, though the work will not be completed this side of heaven. I will continue to pray: "Lord, free me from everything that separates me from you."

Heaven

I am a big fan of the ocean. I love to get up early and watch the sunrise over the Atlantic. One morning in particular the view was spectacular. The moon was just behind me still high in the sky, the sun was barely peeking over the horizon just above the breaking waves on the sand, and at my feet tiny diggers where creating mosaics on the sand hurriedly hiding after the waves left them. These three were almost more than I could take in during the short time. This scene would only last about fifteen minutes the time it takes for the sun to become bright in the sky after it peeks over the horizon. The diggers which I have never seen in such abundance I may never see again, the sun blindingly reflecting in streaks off the waves will never be quite like that again. The full moon above my head would not be in that spot quite that way. Nothing about this moment was guaranteed to come my way again. I strained to take in all of it. Cautioning my eyes not to look at any one of these for too long, though I did not want to look away from any of it. From the diggers to the sun in the sky, to the reflection on the waves, then quick back around to the moon still in the sky, do it all again and again, don't want to miss it for a moment. Any one of these could have captivated my attention for the entire time. I knew that any moment I could look back and the moon have faded from sight, look down and the diggers have stopped their mosaics, look up and see the sun fully freed from the cloudy horizon, or its reflection became a dot on the ocean. At any moment any of these can fade into forever and in a moment it will all be gone. But for now, for now, my mind is filled with emotions, my eyes with beauty, my heart with gratitude, all because the creator has given me this moment. I realized as I worked to focus my attention on all of these wonders that this is the fallen world. In this moment I could not imagine anything more lovely, or wonderful. But I know that Eden was more wonderful and more than that I know that Heaven is more wonderful. No matter how lovely the vista, how amazing the wave, or spectacular the crest, this world is not the best the artist has created. The Word of God says that this world groans for redemption, when Adam failed he took the earth with him. My mind turned to Heaven. I thought of those that have left this earth in all its glory, now not with a sad longing, but with a confidence that they truly are in a better place. So when we think of our Lives outside our mortal bodies or the lives of those who have gone before us, it might serve us well to remember this. The artist who created this world with such wonder and beauty that it remains too lovely even in its fallen state, has created another masterpiece that awaits us. I used to think when I saw a beautiful mountain peak, "How I wished this one could be here to see this." Now I know that what he is seeing is ten times better. I look at the peak and wonder what that same peak looks like in heaven, better by far! Even still I wish he were with me, but I will someday be with him.